Fighting

Laying awake; can't sleep and haven't for a few weeks now, I find myself worried, praying for no worry and anxious still. Though the bible and commonsense teaches worry as wrong, anxiety as an enemy, it's something we should strive for?!

Yes, indeed. As I've chosen the road fruited of anxiety and worry, I've come to understand that I've lived a life of concern in a couple years. Before you criticize, remember that lives are subjective and experiences even more. After all, we all have things we concern ourselves with and things with which we struggle. Mine, in my post-college days has been worry and anxiety.

Back to the idea that we should strive for a foggy picture of making next months rent, or eating next week; indeed our lives, if set by the teachings of Christ would be much like this. And that is why in the past few years I've grown to hate excess, not the people who embrace it, but rather, and remember, the power of excess over their lives.

Lewis said in a round about way, I'm paraphrasing, that if we are comfortable and know from where our next meal is coming, or in modern terms, our rent payment; then we have to much and aren't giving enough. Yet, I see in the spirit of America an attitude quite contrary to this understanding we all acknowledge in church each Sunday.

Keep in mind, as I speak, I am no better than many, but feel called to bring about the reality that we all have too much, don't give enough and there are many that could give much much more.

Do what you feel called to do. But, yet as doctrines are tweaked through the centuries, we see things that benefit the 'called' and the dogmatic translators of the word.

In that regard, I have begun to lose sleep, worrying about my situation and how I will make it, in a few months; obviously much further off than anyone should worry. For it is just money, and I am prideful in one sense that I've made steps to treat it as such, give it away within 'reason' and attempt to not worry in the process. However, there are many games at play, and without feeling just in my causes, not being successful in said causes, worry becomes justified until it consumes and i feel at ease with nothing.

But with a prudent and rational mind, I know I will be fine. Within the worst moments of our lives, they are never as bad as the fears we create of them, which cause worry and anxiety. At least in my experiences. Take getting kicked out of an apartment for failing to make rent payments. A rational and aware mind would see that coming, act upon the situation prior to it's happening and do what they could to make the situation go away, at least for another month. This type of person, we'll call A has the fear of worry, anxiety and uses them as tools to be extra aware; making himself worrisome and glazed at times, but nonetheless efficient at making things happen. Person B, who never worries, is stuck in the same situation is late on rent and then is kicked out, as a result of not creating a better situation with what efforts he could, still doesn't worry. Yet, both find themselves in the same place if person A doesn't make it happen. Therefore, what does the worrying get you, but feeling miserable all the time?

Perhaps, I'm attempting to counsel myself.

But, honestly, things are going to be fine. And my worries spring from concerns of being successful to those, and especially, for those around me. I want to do good for people, and when my efforts yield little, from what I can see, I begin to think myself insufficient to those around me.

However, today I find myself in L.A., rich in some regards, poor in others, yet, in L.A. a place I never thought I'd say I could live. And, I'm living. Albeit, not as some would like; 11 by 7 room, no discretionary income, granola for breakfast and rice and beans for dinner. But I like it.

I have to make right of some effort this week, and hopefully spread some love to those for which I hope to serve. I am excited with what plan has been laid out before me and i only pray that I can use my talents for a higher sense and to a greater degree. I am struggling, no doubt, with forgiving myself for past wrongs, and even more in that to those I've wronged I get no response. I pray for these things and to be a good person every moment to everyone around me.

I have been thinking about treating myself better. Thinking of myself higher and, as a result, having more confidence in the things of which I've been blessed. Reading a lot lately has helped, swimming and running too.

This will be a short week and then I'm off to Sacramento to see my friend Joel, and be his plus-1 at a wedding of a friend. Then off to Denver, and Ft. Collins to a conference and to see some mountains. Pray for safe travels, my friends. I'll be praying for you and yours.